life

my whole educational career i couldn't wait to graduate from college. now that i am here its a little disappointing. Probably partly due to the fact that my degree was pretty useless, vague and i don't know what to do with it. so now i am working a desk job that i defiantly don't want to be my life long job, but for now it's okay. i always avoid my old professors when i see them at the grocery store because i don't want them to think i am a failure because i am not in africa saving children and bringing food and clean water to the desolate continent!!!
I have always planned on staying home with my kids to raise them and watch them grow. i know it sounds really cliche but it has always been really important to me. both of my parents worked (my mom worked the most) as i was growing up and i was always at a daycare or babysitter and it really bothered me. i know my parents were trying to show their love for me by providing for me, but i have always felt our relationship was hurt by not having a closer bond at an early age.
so anyways, i have always planned on staying home with my kids. it wasn't until recently when i realized... wait, i am graduated, and i am not going to have kids for a while, so what do i do? add to that the fact that once my kids are all in school, that's a good chunk of the day where i will be alone. i don't want that, not being productive kind of drives me crazy. i have realized i do need to do something for myself in this life to feel like i am making some sort of difference (not that having kids isn't making a difference. it totally is). i have tossed around lot of ideas, hair school, masters degree (but in what?), CNA, drug dealer, etc. I still don't know what to do, but right now i am looking into being a paralegal. i can get my certificate in one semester at weber state, so when justin goes to nursing school, i could do that then hopefully get a decent paying job. i don't know. this is just what i decided this morning, and anyone who knows me knows how quickly my ideas change.
all you need to know is i am so confused right now about what i am supposed to be doing. my mother in law gave me really, really good advice (she dropped out of college after she got married because of pressures from other people and regrets it all the time) she told me the biggest thing is to not worry about what people think about what i am doing or want to do. just do what makes me happy. i like that a lot. it's so hard for me, but i have begun to realize that is truly the only way to be happy.
ciao.