I had a very humbling experience this week. my husband and i ran the des news 10k. i was super pumped because i ran this once in high school and got second, but couldn't accept the $500 prize money because i was planning on running in college. so i swore to myself that i would run it when i graduated and makes some money. but then i got lazy, and didn't train very much, and never did speed work, and had too much fun during the summer.... so i started out in the front of the race... trying to stay in the top 3, but i got tired really quickly. my husband tried to "help" by pushing on my back and yelling at me to "catch up with those girls." i slapped his hand away and told him "NO, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!! I DON'T CARE!!" he tried everything to motivate me in that race, he tried to make me angry, he tried being nice. none of it worked because it wasn't worth it to me anymore. i took off with one of my friends as she passed me and tried to stay with her, but after about a mile i stopped on a street corner and stood their until my husband caught up to me. he had been sick all week and i just felt like rather than running in my own pain and being miserable and hating my life, maybe we could run together and make it fun (running for fun is a whole new concept to me btw). so i waited for him and he caught up and was SO mad at me. i think he was mostly mad at me for giving up. everyone that i knew in that race passed me. EVERYONE: every high schooler i knew, every 45 year old mom, all of my old teammates. it was a humbling experience for sure. i know it sounds so so so dumb to people that it matters so much to me what other people think, but it does.


i want to run for fun. i want to run to stay in shape and to love it. i don't want to hate every step that i run and just count down the minutes till that's over. i don't know how to have fun with it anymore because it was always such a competition to me. i just wanted to win and winning was the most fun part. but now it doesn't matter and no one cares. and honestly i think it's just time for me to hang up the track spikes and enter a new chapter in my life. how can i find a healthy balance with something that i completely identified with before? i'm working on it.

but for now. here is a lovely feild by our house that we frolicked in this week. i love summer.