I had a very humbling experience this week. my husband and i ran the des news 10k. i was super pumped because i ran this once in high school and got second, but couldn't accept the $500 prize money because i was planning on running in college. so i swore to myself that i would run it when i graduated and makes some money. but then i got lazy, and didn't train very much, and never did speed work, and had too much fun during the summer.... so i started out in the front of the race... trying to stay in the top 3, but i got tired really quickly. my husband tried to "help" by pushing on my back and yelling at me to "catch up with those girls." i slapped his hand away and told him "NO, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!! I DON'T CARE!!" he tried everything to motivate me in that race, he tried to make me angry, he tried being nice. none of it worked because it wasn't worth it to me anymore. i took off with one of my friends as she passed me and tried to stay with her, but after about a mile i stopped on a street corner and stood their until my husband caught up to me. he had been sick all week and i just felt like rather than running in my own pain and being miserable and hating my life, maybe we could run together and make it fun (running for fun is a whole new concept to me btw). so i waited for him and he caught up and was SO mad at me. i think he was mostly mad at me for giving up. everyone that i knew in that race passed me. EVERYONE: every high schooler i knew, every 45 year old mom, all of my old teammates. it was a humbling experience for sure. i know it sounds so so so dumb to people that it matters so much to me what other people think, but it does.
i want to run for fun. i want to run to stay in shape and to love it. i don't want to hate every step that i run and just count down the minutes till that's over. i don't know how to have fun with it anymore because it was always such a competition to me. i just wanted to win and winning was the most fun part. but now it doesn't matter and no one cares. and honestly i think it's just time for me to hang up the track spikes and enter a new chapter in my life. how can i find a healthy balance with something that i completely identified with before? i'm working on it.
but for now. here is a lovely feild by our house that we frolicked in this week. i love summer.
This is something that is very hard for me and i try to fight it everyday. i don't know if i am an introvert or a very self concious person, but i think i am a combination of both. i have a constant fear of being judged and of people not liking me. often in social situations i will run to the bathroom just to take a deep breath and give myself a pep-talk about how i need to be outgoing. other times i just completely shut down and don't talk much and just listen to other people talk, i feel the most comfortable with this, but other people think i am sad or angry or something so i feel pressure to be "outgoing" and "fun." i think this article is awesome becasue it shows how both introverts and extroverts have strengths of their own. and in a society where i was always told to "speak up" and felt like i couldn't get ahead because i am not super talkative, it helps to know that i am not completely alone. i have been trying to manage my quiteness because i know it comes off as rude and arrogant. i remember when i was in school (it feels good to say that) that before every presentation i would always tell myself i would rather run 15 miles than give that 5 minute presentation. it's hard!! i want to be normal, cool, not self concious, friendly, and outgoing. any tips? i feel like i have been fighting this my whole life. do i just accept it? blah.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I can't stand the heat. it kills me. call me a baby. i am. this summer is the worst though because we do not have an air conditioner in our house and we live on the 2nd floor, with lots of windows that allow the sun to shine through all day. the AC in justin's car is broken and that is the vehicle i drive. my work is hot. i'm always sweating. i never want to run. i went running at 9:30 last night and it was still freakishly hot. i am so so so grateful for people who have their sprinklers on when i run. instant cooling effect, but only lasts about 3 seconds after i get out of the water. i can't sleep at night because i am sweating so much. justin and i don't want cuddle ever because when we touch we get so hot. blah. i know i am a baby. and yes, i know arizona is like 115 and people survive that. whatever. it's hot and i hate it!
the fourth of july did not disappoint at all. even though the only fireworks i saw were from me peeking out the window and watching the fireworks that were being set off by our mexican neighbors in the street. it was a good good one. we went up to bear lake tuesday night to justin's gma and gpa's beachfront house. we spearfished, swam, ate, relaxed, ate, ran, and enjoyed the company of the family. we slept under the stars and were awoken by a hummingbird hovering above us (it was wierd). in the morning we went boating to take advantage of the glassy water. i love to watch people slolem ski. and i want to get better at it this year before our lake powell trip. i got over my fear of wakeboarding and got a little bit of air over the wake before i crashed (i am such a baby). justin was very manly and went spearfishing for a couple of hours and proudly came back with this:
such a man i tell ya.
I had the best time bonding with my in-laws. they seriously are the best and i can't get enough of them. i am getting better at my favorite water sport: wake surfing. this is seriously a love of mine. it is so relaxing and as close to real surfing as i can get in utah. my goal is to be able to do a 360.
Watch out guys. that's gonna be me! sponsorship from billabong here i come! i wish.
ps. the reason we didn't really see fireworks is that we couldn't set them off at bear lake (i guess there is a fire danger or something....) and when we got to logan justin was feeling pretty sick and realized he maybe had a concusion from when he fell super hard wakeboarding. not fun for him.
allow me to nerd out.... did you know that it is unacceptable to do a double space after periods? if you did, then WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? i feel like maybe someone early on in life told me that was the correct way to do it as a joke, and then i continued to do it and probably gave all my high school teachers and college professors a good laugh. "look at this girl, she still thinks that you are supposed to double space after periods, what a FOOL, mwahahahahaha (evil laughter)." I am sure that is what happend. they just kept getting a laugh out of it and didn't tell me.
i don't think you guys understand how devastating this really is to me. not just because i feel lied too and emberassed, but also because for the last 17 years i have been using extra energy after every sentence to put that extra space in when i didn't need to. that is energy that could have compiled to go towards something even greater! like playing a musical instrament, or running faster! i feel a little cheated. thanks for nothing!
This past weekend was a good one. i haven't been feeling very well lately, so i was glad that it wasn't full of exhausting activities, but rather it was filled with good company. i got to see these girls again, most of them i haven't seen since high school (5 years ago). elyse and i headed down saturday afternoon to have a bbq at maren's parents house. since the last time i saw these girls 3 of us have gotten married, 1 had a baby, 2 served missions, one has excelled tremendously academically and has a scholarship to grad school.
it's weird. cause everything's different. but still the same. i can't really explain it. but it was fun and i enjoyed it. i liked talking about high school and how dumb/funny/awesome we were. it was fun to talk about what other people are doing with their lives. i also made a tres leches cake for dessert. It was pretty divine and i took it too two different functions: my friend get together and a family dinner at my in-law's and it was a hit at both venues. Here is the link below. seriously guys. it's the best. http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/09/tres-leches-cake/
What did justin do while i was away? he has a test on tuesday that he was studying for. which means he was really at home posting new things on his blog. and guys! it's really good! if you haven't looked at it yet you should. sorry if i am annoying about it.
This week is looking to be a good one. it includes my favorite holliday, the start of the twilight concert series, the cruise in, friends band show in rexburg and hopefully ending up at heise hot springs to show justin around the place that i pretty much grew up at.
